How to Do 'this' Clean

1. Keep in mind that extreme heat speeds up the rate of decomposition. Keep in mind that extreme cold slows it down. Therefore: commit your murders in the summer.

2. Don’t kill anyone you’re involved with romantically. You’ll be the first person the cops want to talk to. If you must kill someone you’re sleeping with, make sure they’re sleeping with a lot of other people too, and that one of them has a worse criminal record than yours.

3. Don’t bring your cell phone. This seems pretty basic but apparently a lot of people still get caught from this. Don’t bring your cell phone when you’re stalking them, or when you drive two hours away to dump their body in the desert/river/forest, either. If you must bring a cell phone, act like a criminal who actually knows what they’re doing and buy a pay-as-you-go. Buy it at a busy store, and pay for it in cash.

4. In fact, buy all things related to your murder with cash. Duct tape, plastic bags, rope – all this shit will get you caught. Throw the receipts away immediately, in a public trash can in front of the store. And you probably shouldn’t purchase the duct tape at the same time as the rope, the saw at the same time as the industrial-sized trash can.

5. If the process of your murder involves a struggle with the victim, make sure to clean their fingernails afterward. They might have tiny pieces of your skin underneath from when they tried to fight for their life.

6. Dump the body in a separate place than the murder scene. This way, the police will have to survey two spots before they can put the pieces of the murder together.